My heart has been wrestling with many things lately. It's taken me a while and a few frustrating conversations, but tonight I think I've finally figured it out, and that's a pretty big deal. I have to say, I'm usually really good at figuring things out. Underlying motivations and factors aren't always easily seen--I guess that's why we call them underlying. But in myself, I tend to be pretty good at spotting them and naming them. I haven't been able to do that lately, and my poor husband has had to hear about it. Of course he wants to help, but he can't help me with something if the problem us unknown. Well, anyway, here is a semi-short version.
My heat has been unsettled. I told Neal I thought maybe we should be giving more money to our church. He said, "What do you mean? We've been giving more money every month that we've been married. It's not all going in the offering plate, but I feel really good about what we're giving." I thought it over. He was right.
I told Neal, I want to know what it is that we're going to do together for the church. He said, "What do you mean? We're teaching Sunday School, we helped lead worship last week, we're doing treats for this coming month, and we do international student ministry during the summer. If you want to do something more, then you need to tell me what you'd like to do." I thought it over. He was right.
I told Neal that I felt like we have these four "life goals" that we want to accomplish, but I want a plan for how we're going to accomplish them. He said, "What do you mean? I think we're doing a really good job of being spouses, which is something we've talked about a lot. We're not parents yet, so I'm not sure how do a good job of that. It seems as though God hasn't told us where or how to travel yet, so I'm not sure how to make a plan for that. And I think that we are doing good, as discussed in blog point number two." (Ok, I may have edited the last part a bit). I thought it over. He was right.
I told Neal that I want, I want... ... ......... *sigh* I don't know what I want, and that's a problem. Neal said, "I think you miss Dubai. I think you miss people your age. I think you miss having a goal to reach." I thought it over. I told him I thought he was wrong and right. I know I've mentioned "permanent" before. I'm at the first "permanent" place I've ever been in my life. No high school to finish. No college to graduate. No two-year contact to complete. No more finish line, just a long road of marathon. It's weird. So that part was right. But no. No, I wasn't missing Dubai too badly otherwise.
Except maybe a few little things.
Well, except maybe a lot of things. Sort of.
What I think I'm missing most right now is God. When I was in Dubai, I tended to my heat very carefully. I attended a growing and vibrant church with lots of learning and growth opportunities. I met after church each week with other young adults to enjoy fantastic fellowship. I took the time to read for a while in my Bible every day, and I listened to sermons during my 2 1/2 hours of commute that I had 6 days a week. I made God my utmost priority, and took great care of the growth of my soul. Since I've been back in the states, I've neglected it and let it wither. I finally realized that today as I was preparing for tomorrow's Sunday School lesson. Whatever else may be going on with me right now, I think it's all stemming from this lack of devotion.
So, problem identified, and now it's time to work on solving it. Let the repairing begin.
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